Another fine day in the neighborhood!
Filed under Personal Speak
Over the years I have mentioned the struggles of writing. I never really knew why I started yet I do know why I keep writing. The part in the middle about who reads what I write has always been a problem. To share my thoughts, why and with whom, that has always been the question. The struggle lies between the problem and the question.
Today, I have ticked away and made private all of that which I have written in the past. It remains an archive that I can add to here and there as I see fit. My hard drive is sole owner. My type-idge no longer serves any purpose but to remind me of something, whatever it may be. It no longer serves as a foothold for public misinterpretation or deviation from what I “really” mean.
The written word, the type-idge, is very powerful given to someone who wants to mishandle it or use it to bolster an agenda of their liking. It is equally powerful to do good. In between lies a world full of imagination, history and what the future may bring. All of these things I cannot control when my pen hits the paper.
But, I can converse with you in person for a minute or a day and you will understand me much better. You may surmise that you want no part of my thinking or you may want to hear more and I will surmise the same about you. But most importantly, I will see your eyes and the way you move. I will feel the nuisances of lies when they foible in your speech. I will sense your pain and joys and walk away feeling something… and so will you, as it should be. It is best this way.
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December 1st, 2009 at 9:48 am
How many authors of a blog comment on their own posts? It’s a funny question that begs an answer and I’m the only one willing to explain it or that really can explain it. That’s the big picture in a nutshell, this blog is centered around me. My writing struggles of late and why I write and who reads it have all come to a head lately and I have not been able to get my hands wrapped around it until now.
“In the moment” the above post was ripe with indignation; no more vacillating, I give up, I will not expose myself to the general public. But, with a great deal more thought, I changed my mind, after all, it’s OK to change your mind when you are wrong. I was wrong to run from my convictions and in particular, wrong to be afraid that the truth would put me in some type of bind, imagined or real. The truth is all I really know and it is the truth I want you to hear. You may say it is “my truth” which may differ from “your truth” and you would be correct but I’m willing to stand up for mine and have proof in all these pages that back that up. My blog is, “what it is”, it’s a reflection of my life at any given moment, what I’m up to and what thoughts are swimming around in my mind. Sometimes relevant, most the time just a matter of thinking on paper. I never set out to impress anyone publicly for any reason, just had a lot to say.
The most important part of this whole struggle which happened sometime shortly after my “moment” was the actualization; I really am writing about me, for my kids sake. And conversely, it’s really not about me, it’s about what I think and feel and how I want my children to see this. It’s my only way to pass on to them what I cannot pass on to them in real life because……
….that’s how it is. My Dad committed suicide on March 4, 1987. I grew up for the most part without him in my life and to me, that was normal because that’s how it was. In later years after he retired and when I was in my early 20s our lives came together for a period of time. We struggled to get to know each other and the life apart gave us each a certain amount of individualism separate from each other, we were strangers in a way. I never did get to hear about his life, his stories, his way of thinking as a Father and Son would normally have it. After his death, I found that he documented and wrote small tidbits of what he was up to and his thoughts about different things. Nothing more than a few sentences on any given day or hour. But, I collected everything I could find, put it all together as best I could in chronological order and had it typed up so that I could better read it. His writing was hard to transcribe. I wanted to know what was on his mind and how he thought about the world. I wanted to hear what he thought about me. I wanted to know everything that would fill in the holes of the past. would I read something that would explain what confused me? Was I confused? I was just looking for answers and I knew no questions.
So, I guess you could say that I want to pass on much more to my children since we have been separated for so long. I have always held on to “hope” that things would change and we could be together. But, I don’t know what the future will bring and at this point all my past predictions have been wrong. The only way my children to know who I am and be able to decide how they feel about me is this way, it’s about what I express, how I think and what I pass on in “type-idge”. It’s how it is for now and explains my struggles. At least, I can move forward without struggling so much on whether to publish or to keep private my thoughts. After all, I would want only to publish to the world the truth of the matter. In this sense, I have nothing private to hide because in my personal code, what I say I stand behind and will discuss freely, with anyone. It is for a greater good and out weighs the negatives of writing nothing and not coughing it up to the general public. I believe this type of openness is important to experience the true reality of life and that is something I would teach my children to stand up for because it is the foundation for sleeping well, with peace in your heart, which ultimately is what I want for them. They can have that, no matter how they hear it from me.